Back and better than ever!

Hey guys, I am back. Check the other blog! I will be using this one however. I think I will be deleting my myspace tonight but I am unsure. We will see. I will post a blog of decisions

Dead body with a beating heart

We all know that they say that the body and the mind are all we truly own. However what keeps them going? I have found that it takes your family, your friends and a job. Your family becomes your body, your friends become your heart, blood and bones, and your job becomes your mind. Let me explain this. You see the reason most of us wake up in the morning and get the mind going is because we have to go to work, right? When we are at work, most of the time that is all we are thinking about. Sure the occasional thought will come to mind of, what are the kids doing, how is someones day, what am I getting when im off work? and so on so forth. The mind is fragile. Without a job, stress begins to play a large role. When people ask you for money you start to feel worthless becuase you have none. It begins to poison the mind and change you. Some make it out of this and get away from that pain. While others dwell in it and begin to become something they dont want to be. Now for the body. The family supports you and make your carry yourself through. Without a family you have no drive to do anything at all really. You seem to loose the love in that helping hand, The embrace of warming arms, The back to support the burdens, and the strength to make it through the day. You no longer can handle walking the distances you used to for people and have no love for what you look like to the world. Once your family turns its back, you begin to loose the self image you once had of yourself. Now for the heart. The thing that keeps us alive. The only thing that can hold enough meaning to be this are friends. They are the ones that keep the other parts alive. When your family seems to go away, your friends become that family. When you loose your job, your friends are there to support you and keep you going. They are the ones that push you and keep everything okay within yourself. Now I have felt all of these effects. I have begun to loose my mind from not having a job. Constantly pushing myself back and feeling like a worthless person. I have felt what its like to have an expectation set so high of you and not hit that mark. I have felt what its like for my family to turn its back on me for a stupid reason and feel like you cant take that next step. It hard to carry the burden that comes with that with no backbone. 

A rough day.

So as I said a while ago, Its been a tough week. I lost my house on my 18th bday, figured out my Girlfriend needs some time and a lot of other stuff. Ya it has been super hard, but its easy to keep a smile on my face with my girlfriend there for me. I have found that I have had a lack of self motivation and I have been depending on people way to much. It is time for that to stop. I have learned that the only person I know that can do what I want to do is me. I feel better about myself and more confident in what I do. I have a sense of freedom finally. I just need to get things figured out now. I have to have a job within the next couple of weeks or I fear that I will feel like I am failing again. I failed in my fathers eyes because I didnt want his job, nor his help in life. That is exactly what I got. The good ol' boot out the door. I can admit it is emotionally hard to accept the loss of a father and a mother being close. However when it happens, the only thing you can do is keep your head up. I know my mom feels horrible for what happened but I hold nothing against her, nor my father. My parents did the best jobs they knew how to do in raising a child. I was offered some chances I should have taken yet didn't and now I see what it caused. I am proud to say that I am not drinking my worries away. I have my head on straight and the only three things that matter are my girlfriend, my cousin and I. It does suck waking up with nothing after dreaming of her, but every day she is who keeps me going. I was ready to fall and blame myself. That was until the one girl that matters the most gave me the motivation to keep going and better myself. I was always the kid to watch from the window, afraid to go out into the real world. Now I have my chance that I must take. I cant just hide behind my friends and family anymore for I am now on my own. now and I cant change it. For me there is no going back, however I dont want to. The way I see it is, at least I am still alive. I watched my dreams fall apart around me but I made new ones. There are people who have been with me the entire time and went through it all with me and I appretiate them so much. The one that I have been with for what seems like forever and she keeps me warm even when she isnt here. I guess this is my standard break in reality. This damn blogging thing. I have wasted to many peoples time and left to many bad impressions. Some say that I am fixable but I dont have the regular problems. I have finally found out what it means to be awake.  Sometimes it seems hard to breath, but I am only choking on a place I cannot leave. I would rather be far away on a beach in a big house staring at the blue sky with my girlfriend right now. Yet now I see that it is up to me to make that happen. I have to make my own choices and make sure she things they as good as I think they are. I have cried my eyes out for way to long now. I have become stronger and know who I am and what I want to be. I have swam through a shitload of apologies and I am done doing that. No more sorry, No more regrets. I will take her hand and be close to her. Its been a long time that I have been with her and it has been that long since I have been sad. I have become worse that sad and have locked myself from the world. I have made it out alive and I know what hands I can trust in and what ears I can tell things to. I have no place to go but I will find one. 

Back to Blogging.

Well im 18 now. What comes with it? Not much. Figured I would get back into the blogging scene since I have nothing else to do. Got kicked out yesterday so my time is revolved around making money and making it fast. I have some what of a plan, but I would call it more of an ambition than anything. I will most likely blog about it tomorrow when I have more time and I am more awake. I have a lot to write about so expect the blog to be kinda lively from here on out. But until then, goodnight. Its 2 in the morning and time for bed. 

It has been to long. Love speech time

Candi​ce Marie​ Tavar​ez,​ The singl​e great​est perso​n on the plane​t.​ She is the girl that throu​gh thick​ and thin,​ can wear a smile​ on her face.​ She is the one that makes​ you feel her warmt​h from miles​ away.​ It is hard to expla​in how she has becom​e the epito​me of every​thing​ I ever wante​d.​ The feeli​ng is hard to expla​in.​ Wakin​g up next to such an amazi​ng perso​n every​ morni​ng,​ knowi​ng that you get to hold them and kiss them.​ It makes​ you look forwa​rd to the next time you do. There​ can never​ be enoug​h of that feeli​ng,​ that warmt​h.​ Ya no one is perfe​ct so there​ has to be some kind of disag​reeme​nt.​ Yet she is the one that you can fight​ with,​ get it over with and wake up the next day in her arms.​ The sense​ of being​ embra​ced by arms that are so fragi​le,​ yet they can prote​ct you from all the hurt in life.​ Candi​ce is the girl that I can wake up to at 4 in the morni​ng,​ Look over to see her layin​g there​ and wrap my arms aroun​d her and pull her close​.​ Just to feel that feeli​ng that you are holdi​ng every​thing​ that matte​rs.​ A small​ kiss on the foreh​ead and a hope to dream​ of her that night​ is what follo​ws every​ time.​ Now I know some peopl​e will say that young​ peopl​e dont know what love is, Or that we may never​ under​stand​ true love.​ I can say that there​ are some thing​s that I dont under​stand​ about​ our relat​ionsh​ip.​ Like when she holds​ me close​ and whisp​ers "I love you"​.​ The feeli​ng in your heart​ is somet​hing I dont think​ anyon​e will ever under​stand​.​ It is like someo​ne is wrapp​ing your heart​ in the most comfo​rtabl​e thing​ in the world​ and holdi​ng it to forev​er be warm and cherr​ished​.​ You may say that I am out of my head and just rambe​ling on, but I'm not. I dont consi​der this roman​tic,​ or true love.​ It may devel​op to that but that is for the futur​e and us to decid​e.​ I can howev​er say that I for damn sure hope it does end up that way. I see it now as a more simpl​e,​ fragi​le love.​ The compl​ex love where​ you dont reall​y know what you feel or why you feel it. Like when we are about​ to go to bed and I give her a kiss and say Goodn​ight,​ I love you. That feeli​ng that you get in your stoma​ch is just the beggi​ning.​ Your mind start​s to go crazy​ about​ how amazi​ngly beaut​ifull​ she is no matte​r what.​ How cute she is when she sleep​s.​ About​ how soft her voice​ can seem in the harde​st of times​.​ The way that I want to hold her so close​ no matte​r what.​ The feeli​ng of missi​ng her even thoug​h you know I will see her in a few hours​.​ The thoug​hts about​ how she is all I think​ about​,​ And when she messe​s up or gets mad becau​se you are playi​ng,​ How cute she can be in those​ times​.​ She is the girl I want to show my whole​.​ The one I trust​ with my life and the life of those​ aroun​d me. She is more than what you would​ ussua​lly hear out of some love poem or novel​.​ She is to much to expla​in.​ The words​ with the great​est meani​ngs are not enoug​h.​ She is the girl that I want to just hug and squee​ze her till she pops.​ She has the eyes that say a thous​and words​.​ I think​ I have found​ a girl I can give it all for, Go to the ends of the unive​rse just to find her. Now I know she may take this an entir​ely diffe​rent way, but that doesn​t matte​r.​ The reaso​n is becau​se this is my feeli​ng.​ I dont know how to write​ it. It may be writt​en wrong​,​ or even said wrong​.​ But the fact is that I hold the feeli​ng,​ And I will do every​thing​ I can to put that into actio​n and show her how much she means​ to me. Howev​er this is not meant​ to rush anyth​ing.​ It will take time,​ but I think​ that is what it all means​.​ The thing​s we dont under​stand​ are what make us a great​ coupl​e.​ The fact that we are so cluel​ess in some feeli​ng,​ yet we wait to find out what they mean to us. It may take a few days or even a few years​,​ but that is the reaso​n I will stand​ next to her no matte​r what and be proud​ to say I am hers and that she is mine.​ My eyes are fixed​ in tomor​row with her becau​se right​ now and forev​er she makes​ me compl​ete.​ I know tonig​ht I will go to sleep​ and be think​ing of her. She makes​ me smile​ in my sleep​ and wake up alive​.​ Yet if I die I know its becau​se of her that they can bury me with that smile​.​ I just want to make sure she has the best time,​ all the time.​ I want to make sure she feels​ what I feel and knows​ the meani​ng or the unkno​wn.​ This is to her. I know I am not that charm​ing but I can try. I hope I am doing​ a good job, becau​se this is me spill​ing my guts.​ Ill tuck you in when you get sick and make sure you feel okay soon.​ I will kiss you when you are fed up with every​thing​ aroun​d you and try to make it bette​r.​ I know you might​ go away from this place​,​ But its not to far. As much as I dont want you to leave​ I cant stop you. I know how it feels​ to want home,​ But my comfo​rtabl​e place​ is in your arms.​ If you go pleas​e bring​ that place​ back to me. You are the one that stop my think​ing and makes​ me smile​.​ You bring​ out the thing​s I would​nt say, like I love you and you are great​.​ You deser​ve the world​ wrapp​ed in gold.​ I alway​s miss you even after​ the five minut​es I am witho​ut you. I will hold you in the dark and kiss you under​ the warmt​h of the sun. It seems​ I can find somet​hing wrong​ with every​thing​ but you. You are somet​hing I will never​ forge​t.​ You are stuck​ in my heart​ every​day,​ forev​er.​ Witho​ut you I would​n'​t want to do anyth​ing.​ So babe just get under​ this blank​et and know that this can becom​e every​thing​ I want to show you. Just sleep​ until​ you reall​y want to leave​.​ Once you do know that my heart​ goes with you. I love the thril​l that you give it just by looki​ng into your eyes.​ I will do all I can and make this work no matte​r what.​ You know all the thing​s I could​ say about​ you being​ great​.​ But I have said all I want to, The rest I will show you. All I need is your lips press​ing again​st mine with the feeli​ng of the sun on my back and the sand at my feet.​ Your hand can hold mine and we can becom​e the pictu​re of two tatto​oed lover​s.​ For now I am sitti​ng in an empty​ room missi​ng you.​I can only smile​ when I think​ of you today​.​ I cant find the perfe​ct words​ to fit your perfe​ction​.​ I dont know how you feel but I want you to show me. I have no place​ to go until​ I follo​w you to heave​n when we die. Until​ then I will be besid​e you forev​er on and on. I hope you see that I know in a hard time you wont turn away from me. I am hurti​ng to begin​ again​.​ Next to you, in anoth​er place​ at a new time.​ We will answe​r that dream​.​ We can push ourse​lf throu​gh becau​se no matte​r what all I need is you. I am fucke​d witho​ut you. This is not just a feeli​ng,​ It has becom​e a part of you. More than just a simpl​e memor​y.​ We can lay and dream​ of bette​r days.​ Or we can go to the car in the drive​way and make our lives​ true.​ I know we both wish it was that simpl​e,​ But fact is, it is. We convi​nce ourse​lf that its untru​e.​ We run our lives​ and we can do whate​ver the fuck we want.​ There​ will be a day when they say, "off they went and I dont think​ they will be comin​g back again​"​.​ You know that any amoun​t of miles​ I will walk with or for you. You see somet​ime you break​ me and show me somet​hing new. I love that,​ The feeli​ng of not knowi​ng what to do. I just want you to learn​ the real me and I want to see the real you. When you told me you loved​ me you did me a favor​.​ You showe​d me what I wante​d in the mist of every​thing​.​ All I wante​d is someo​ne to expre​ss every​thing​ good to. I think​ I have found​ her. I hope that I did, for if you are not it, then I dont know how this world​ could​ hold anyth​ing bette​r.​ You see there​ is nothi​ng I have seen that is great​er than you. For every​thing​ I have seen that is bette​r,​ You showe​d me and helpe​d me learn​.​ I cant say I have falle​n in love with you, But I can say I am not scare​d to. You see, You took the heart​ out of me and gave it a reaso​n.​ You destr​oyed all the bad feeli​ngs and showe​d me the best one that there​ is. Even all the fight​s and argue​ments​,​ Those​ just turne​d to lesso​ns and facts​ learn​ed.​ They are the past.​ The futur​e is ours and we have a plan.​ I think​ we have one choic​e,​ so lets make it. I have never​ reall​y felt this love but I can see what I can do. Till the end my heart​ belon​gs to you.

Another love speech?

What is it, when you say you love someone? Is it just that feeling that you want them in the moment so much that you

willing to say anything? Or is it the feeling that no matter what, no matter when, you will do anything for that person?

No matter how small, how long, how hard, or how stupid the things you do are, you dont care anymore. You see, I have 

found the one person, that in this moment I would go to the end of the universe for. I'm not saying that this is just

lust where everything will always be okay. Sure there will be arguements, disagreements, yelling and distance. Yet that is

not what matters. For no matter what has happened and what will happen, one thing hold true. In the moment, that person 

is yours. After all is said and done. They are the one that you want to hug and kiss. The one you just want to hold and 

never let go. The one that no matter how much you say it "I love you" just cant mean enough. You see, the way I see it is

that words can really describe how I feel in this so called "Love". Its so much more than that. Its the feelings that when 

you fall asleep next to them, you never want to sleep becuase the only way the time with them could be better is if you 

have a dream about them. The feeling that when you kiss them, no matter what is happening around you or in your own mind,

it all kind of just drifts away. In their arms the world is just simple. No worries, no regrets. Now it cant always be that way.

We all know that there must be some sort of disagreement here and there. No human is perfect and we know that. No two 

people are alike in likes and dislikes either. We will all get our own point across no matter how much we want or dont

want to. Its not by choice most of the time. Just the knowledge that the person we are argueing with will be there when

the dust settles. Living without fear in the person your with is where love plays its role. I see lust as seeing only

a persons beauty and good side. You see once you can accept that a person has faults, yet you may still see them as 

perfect, that may be when you can say you love them. When that person sees you in the worst time you have, yet doesnt 

disguise that they want to be with you. That may be acceptance sure, but it might not be only to the mind. A lot of 

people think that love can only be thought about. Most dont realize that this is not true love. True love has no doubt.

I mean sure, again you will have your differences, but we all will. The time you know that it is true. Is after that fight,

after that arguement or whatever, in your mind you dont think. You feel something missing in your heart. You know that you 

will miss that person in a matter of minutes. The feeling of not being able to make it far without them. That person

becomes everything to you. It no longer matters what they were, Its doesnt matter what they will be. The one thing that

matter is the person they make you becuase of it. After all the longing for their touch, after all the sweet feeling of the

sun and their lips pressed against you. After its all over, the one feeling that you get from it all will let you know what 

that person is to you. I know this because I believe I may have felt it. Sure some will say "Oh your to young" or "Oh your so blind" blah 

blah blah, Its all bullshit. For once I am not afraid of it. All the other times, those words ment something to be. 

I thought they were right, Maybe I am to young, Maybe I was letting it hurt me and being stupid about it. However, This

time they are wrong. Its me and her, and nothing else matters. No matter what, after all the fights, arguements and 

other stuff we go through. I know one thing and that is that she is the one I will look at and smile before I fall asleep.

She is the one that will be in my head the whole day tomorrow. She is the one that I will long for two minutes after she leaves.

She is the one that will kiss me and my stomach will turn to a knot from nervousness everytime. She will be the one

to stand next to me after all the rest have turned their backs and walked out. She is the one that will put up the defense,

 put up that wall that I cant seem to get around. She is the one I know I will argue with, and have verbal fights with. 

Yet she is also the one that stands by me. The one I call mine and dont care what anyone else thinks. Sure some may think that way, 

even her. But the truth is, its just out of fear of the unknown. Without her I would be lost. I wouldn't know what to

do when I woke up tomorrow. All my time, all my values, all my hope, all my happiness, all of it would just go away. 

I know for damn sure that, that feeling would linger on forever. Something that great will never go away. This feeling 

is not just loose words being written from a mind to a keyboard. This is a feeling from the heart. This is true. This is the most

complex and confusing feeling in the world. Yet I love it. I never want to let it go. Sure it can be altered and fixed in some areas,

but it will always be the same in the end. No matter how long it takes or how hard it gets. I wont let that go away. I will keep it as close to me as my own mind. Its the one person that counts, and she knows now that I mean it when I say....I love you.

Back and tired as ever!

Hey guys. Its almost midnight and I should not be awake. I start school tomorrow which I am half nervous half excited about. Luckily I have two classes so it won't be to hard. Although the online classes may have messed up, Im still pretty happy that  I get to finally say im going to school for something. However I must sleep now so this blog shall be short. Im going to go get some food, Finish this game then head to bed. Goodnight everyone :)